You will answer the call, and all of your fears will be confirmed. You walk outside, and see the world around you moving, but somehow it's standing still. the clock is ticking, but time has frozen in place. Mouths will move, but you cannot hear the words. A few minutes later it all comes back. Loud. much too loud. How can it be so loud if he is gone? Your world has just fallen apart, but yet everything seems the same. There shouldn't be color, or laughter, and what the hell is that thumping in your chest? your heart cant possibly beat when his isn't!
You will spend the day in bed, pretending it isn't real. You'll look through old photos and notes that you passed when no one was looking. You will relive the childhood you spent together all in a day, but you will skip over this last part. you don't need to accept it today. you'll do all of this without shedding a single tear. The day will end, but you will not dare to sleep. You have to hold on to this day just a little longer, because every day that you allow to pass, is another day without him. Some time in the middle of the night the tears will come. They will not stop until you would swear that there could be none left. You will suddenly feel the need to get away from everything that reminds you of him. So you'll run, in the middle of the night, out in the cold. just run. if you run fast enough, maybe you can escape. But you wont escape, and as impossible as it may seem, the tears will come again. eventually, you will end up in your bed again. and an odd feeling of calm will wash over you, and you will sleep.
You will dream that he is there with you, holding you close like he used to. Nothing could ever feel as safe as his arms did. Nothing could sound as sweet as that voice. and you'll spend the entire night wishing you could just live in your dreams with him. But you will wake up and for a few blissful moments, you wont remember that he is gone. It will all come back at once, and you will dread the days ahead. every last one of them, because how could anything ever be okay? If he isn't here, how can it be okay?
a few uneventful days later, you will go to the funeral. You will stare down at his empty face and you will beg him to open his eyes. But as they lower him down in to the ground, a part of your soul will be buried with him forever.
The days will pass, and eventually the weeks, months and years. And there wont be a single day that you don't think of him. You'll wonder how it could have been different, if you had just gone with him that night like he had asked. you'll begin to resent everyone who tells you that it just takes time. because they obviously have no fucking idea what they're talking about, considering the pain hasn't eased even a little bit. and one day... around 5 or 6 years down the road, you will lie in bed, as i did last night, and try to remember his face. But it wont come. you will remember the blue of his eyes, and the strength of his smile.... but his face will be gone. and that will feel like you've lost him all over again. Only now, you cant allow yourself to show how much you hurt. Because all of those people who told you that time would heal expect their words to be true. And you cannot bear to tell them that they are wrong. you'd rather allow them this brief naivete, because one day they will also lose a loved one. and this very same pain that you have been carrying will consume them. And that is something you wouldn't wish on even your worst enemy.